“Just need a bit of change to get into a
shelter for the night!!!”
--- Hobo Army War Cry
The Hobo Army is a semi-independent subset of NATO that exists in most
western countries. It is respected worldwide for its skills in infiltration,
intimidation and causing economic hardship. It has won many notable battles, with
its greatest success being the 2005 Battle of Crazy Dave's Sleeping Spot
against the Salvation Army, and there have been many requests for Hobo military aid
worldwide. Since Barack Obama won the 2008 U.S. presidential election under the
slogan "Change," the Hobo Army has been increasingly affiliated with American
forces, though it claims to still be a neutral military power.
History
The Hobo
Army, under various names, has existed as a unit for as long as history has
been written. Whether the unit began as independent mercenaries or as an
organized force is unknown, though records suggest early barracks took the form
of “papyrus boxes,” perhaps the ancient world’s equivalent to the modern hobo edifice
known as the cardboard box.
A
reference to the Hobo Army appears in the journals of the Roman historian Tacitus:
“Our legions had crossed into
Londinium to fight the menace. Once among the streets we were beset on all
sides by shabby warriors who closely resembled the Gauls. They badgered our
troops with requests for coin, and tales of their sick relatives who required
money for hospital treatment. All the while they drank wine from brown bags of
wood pulp. Our men became so thoroughly annoyed that they declared ‘To Hades
with it, let the Celts deal with this themselves,’ and withdrew.”
--- Tacitus, 60 A.D.
Similar encounters have been found
recorded in many historical sources, including a testament from Emperor Constantine
of the Hobo Army battling a thousand-strong force outside the walls of
Constantinople. There is no clear indication of when they were inducted as a
professional scrapping force, but it is known that King Henry VII rewarded them
for their valor at the Battle of Bosworth, the last great battle in the War of
the Roses, which won Henry the throne of England. Some historians have
speculated that Henry VII was the first to suggest the idea of the Hobos
becoming a united force with his words "Forsooth, ye kicketh much arse in
a fight. To shame about thine smell. Wilst thou muster thineselves to guardeth
mine kingdom in return for spare shilling.”
The Hobo Army continued to influence
politics during the Tudor reign. In the constant fighting between the Catholics
and the Protestants they occupied a unique position, summed up by a message one
Hobo wrote on the side of a pig,
stating "What do we care about who the feck who put us here? Spare any
change?" This enabled them to fight effectively during the many different
kings and queens who sat the throne during the Tudor period. The last queen,
Elizabeth I, is famous for hiring an elite corps from the Hobo Army to guard her
virginity.
At the same time, the Hobo Army was
starting to gain a foothold in America, arriving in the New World by clinging
to the underside of the Mayflower. They remained an underground fighting force
for some time, used as shocktroopers against the British during the
Revolutionary War. George Washington was quoted describing the slaughter of the
Red Coats at the hands of frenzied hobos as “ungodlye.”
In the American Civil War, however, the
Hobo Army was as divided as the rest of the nation, and could often be founding
shouting at each other in the streets.
The Hobo Army had a visible presence
during both World Wars, and were highly visible on the front lines, pestering
the Germans for change and wandering around parks. General Patton, in particular,
used hobos to great effect in what the Allied powers succinctly termed Operation Bother The Enemy Until They
Surrender. It’s a little known fact that Nagasaki was destroyed, not by a
nuclear bomb as many mistakenly believe, but by a hobo named Fat Man who was dropped from 20,000
feet.
The Hobo Army took little part in the Cold
War, as they had been cold for centuries and saw no reason to start a war over
it, but instead spent their time consolidating links with various nations. Great
Britain was the first country to maintain a standing force comprised of Hobo
Army troops, as they were cheaper than the previous army. America and much of
Europe soon followed suit. Russia also claimed to have a Hobo Army, but this
remains unverified as nobody could tell the difference from their regular
troops.
Current Status
The Hobo Army's current troop numbers
and reserve forces are classified. Aerial photographs of various abandoned train yards have suggested a
standing army numbering in the tens of thousands, but it has been speculated
that this may be a deliberate ploy to throw the Hobos’ enemies off-balance. The
Hobo Army's main artillery weapon is the hurled bottle, which consists
of a well-aimed bottle half-full of Jack Daniels thrown towards the face of the
target. The weapon is extremely dangerous and has been outlawed by the Geneva
Conventions. In the past, use of such technology has brought criminal
proceedings onto any hobo using it outside of a war zone. Hobo Army member Lightning Shorts Stewart once used the
weapon in such a dangerous manner, and attempts were made to put him under house
arrest – until it was realized that this was technically impossible.
Members of the Hobo Army hold
diplomatic immunity worldwide, and are free to travel across borders thanks to U.N.
legislation that states "we can't keep track of the bastards, fuck it, let
them wander where they like." There are no de facto commanders, and
each branch of the Army operates as an independent cell. Joining the Hobo Army
is not as simple as setting fire to one’s house and becoming homeless. The army
is a respected fighting unit and will expect their reputation to be upheld by
any new recruits. Fortunately, finding field officers isn’t difficult since
they’ll usually find you, especially at times when you don’t want to be bothered.
Despite claiming to be politically
neutral, the Hobo Army has near-universally refused to take part in the Iraq
War, no matter what payment is offered. Hobo Army Spokesman Balloonpopper Chillingsworth has been
quoted as saying "Why the feck would we do that? There's no cider out
there and they don't have any money. Regime change isn't as good as spare
change, so we don't want anything to do with it." There has been no formal
comment from the White House, but an anonymous source remarked "President Obama
is shitting himself. He doesn't want to keep fighting without the Hobos, it's
suicide." The U.S. is currently trying to form its own version of the Hobo
Army by making as many Iraqi civilians homeless as possible.
The Hobo Army does not, as a whole,
operate as a mercenary force, but individual groups may fight in exchange for
money or crisps.
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